not the last

so, i guess that last post wasn't the last you'll hear from me. i don't have a lot of time now, but the question lately for me has been, "what are you doing now that you're back, and don't have a job yet?" my first reaction is always "um... well... " pause to think of what interesting thing I can say because the job search was quite depressing.... and then I'd say something like "i've been meeting up with friends a lot... looking for coffee shop jobs... and then go into the story of how the economy stinks and it's hard to find something right now.

all of that usually came out because behind all of that answer is this huge feeling of guilt, that i should have a job and be occupying my time in the meantime with long lists of many things i've accomplished in my spare, jobless time.

i had a chat with my parents a week and a half ago... they reminded me and affirmed that it's okay that i don't have a job yet. and that was really helpful... and today i was again affirmed that yes, Lisa, enjoy this time you have now. so, this is me doing my best to make the best of my days, yet not be burdened to "do" things.. just to "do" them.

i want to be available for people and help out where i can because i want to, not because i feel like i should. i want to ask God who/what/where He may want me to be present to the next day, and maybe it's just being present to Him... and just alone with Him.

all that said, one of the wonderful things i've been doing is watching my nieces and nephew. every now and again we(my parents and i) have them overnight. for some reason, my youngest 15mos old niece decides she can't sleep all through the night on some of these nights. it only makes sense for me to be with her since im not working, so i've had a taste of sleepless nights with child in toe(or in arms in this case). she will fall asleep in my arms while rocking, but won't stay asleep when set in crib... chairs are not comfortable, so if she doesn't go down after a half hour i bring her to my bed and "sleep" with her by my side and her hand nudging my chest every once and again or her foot in my stomach.
i've also been reading books to my older niece and nephew... it's fun. and interesting because i've been reading a classic, "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstien, and in reading realizing how some of them are really not very uplifting. i'm not an english major, so i don't have an awesome word to describe them, but i was definitely surprised as i was reading them aloud. If I didn't catch it when I was younger, I guess I can only hope the same happens with them... they'll get the good and funny stuff out of it and drop the rest.