a struggle in the process... remembering Julie

Last week in the midst of my thursday I heard some terrible news. A friend that I had reconnected with, a few months before I left for Australia, died in a tragic death at the Temperance River.

The last 7days have been rough. I've struggled with many thoughts... such as... I didn't know her as long as some, why am I so upset? Of course I'm upset, she was an amazing woman who connected with others and was intentional about where she invested her time. I was honored to be invested in, and invest in her in return.

As I type this, images of her run through my mind. I think we connected on a deep level without even having loads of deep conversations. I just knew she cared about our friendship and where it was going... I think we both knew that it was going to be long lasting. I think that's where the hit comes so hard, I was so looking forward to spending time getting to know her more. We were supposed to counsel together in a couple of weeks at the jr high Angel Tree camp, which happened to be held at the same camp we both counseled at back in the summer of 1999. At that time, as I've been sharing with others lately, Julie and I never really spoke much and the only reason I can come up with is because my best friend was counseling with me that summer. I really wish the circumstances back then were different, but in this last year it was our joke that "we never spoke back then, not a word."

Switching topics for a moment... you notice that this isn't an "aussie tale"... but it has definitely affected my journey of processing DTS... as it should, it's just hard.

I brought up a question or struggle last night as I was posting on a wall of a friend on facebook... i said,

"i've wrestled sometimes with knowing what/how to pray... except for comfort and peace. sometimes, truthfully(- using in tribute to julie) i tire of praying it over and again, i want there to be something else to say".

And also, truthfully there are more words to say to my God in heaven, my abba father, but the words are just my struggle and i want to have words that feel like they are "helping" in some way or something. I know God knows my heart, and he's not interested in my exact wording... I guess just showing up is even enough sometimes. But then, sometimes I struggle saying "I'm praying for you, or my prayers are with you" to others because in this specific situation I really don't have the words to pray. Can you pray for others without words? Or maybe it's that I really don't give it as much thought, i give up with the words. i don't know... just processing this as i type. any thoughts out there?

I'm going to post this on my "Random Thoughts with Lisa" blog as well. I suppose it's time to go back to that one. But, I may still write more on this one from time to time about job updates or new revelations of what this new time in life is revealing.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings tonight.

not the last

so, i guess that last post wasn't the last you'll hear from me. i don't have a lot of time now, but the question lately for me has been, "what are you doing now that you're back, and don't have a job yet?" my first reaction is always "um... well... " pause to think of what interesting thing I can say because the job search was quite depressing.... and then I'd say something like "i've been meeting up with friends a lot... looking for coffee shop jobs... and then go into the story of how the economy stinks and it's hard to find something right now.

all of that usually came out because behind all of that answer is this huge feeling of guilt, that i should have a job and be occupying my time in the meantime with long lists of many things i've accomplished in my spare, jobless time.

i had a chat with my parents a week and a half ago... they reminded me and affirmed that it's okay that i don't have a job yet. and that was really helpful... and today i was again affirmed that yes, Lisa, enjoy this time you have now. so, this is me doing my best to make the best of my days, yet not be burdened to "do" things.. just to "do" them.

i want to be available for people and help out where i can because i want to, not because i feel like i should. i want to ask God who/what/where He may want me to be present to the next day, and maybe it's just being present to Him... and just alone with Him.

all that said, one of the wonderful things i've been doing is watching my nieces and nephew. every now and again we(my parents and i) have them overnight. for some reason, my youngest 15mos old niece decides she can't sleep all through the night on some of these nights. it only makes sense for me to be with her since im not working, so i've had a taste of sleepless nights with child in toe(or in arms in this case). she will fall asleep in my arms while rocking, but won't stay asleep when set in crib... chairs are not comfortable, so if she doesn't go down after a half hour i bring her to my bed and "sleep" with her by my side and her hand nudging my chest every once and again or her foot in my stomach.
i've also been reading books to my older niece and nephew... it's fun. and interesting because i've been reading a classic, "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstien, and in reading realizing how some of them are really not very uplifting. i'm not an english major, so i don't have an awesome word to describe them, but i was definitely surprised as i was reading them aloud. If I didn't catch it when I was younger, I guess I can only hope the same happens with them... they'll get the good and funny stuff out of it and drop the rest.

Three Weeks at home... already!?!

(Grad dress... a bit better pic of it, although

still not my fave cuz it puckers in an awkward spot, but owell.)

The title for this post was originally "two weeks home..." and this week just flew by without taking time to sit and type. My original plans for tonight and tomorrow changed, so I have some time now to sit and think about how to write one last post.

ooh, wow... I just got this tinge of saddness wave over me... the same one I had when I finally purchased my cell phone on thursday. It's these steps that make the experience more and more distant. It's still hard to put into words... it's like closure is happening and I want it, but don't want it.

Closure seems like the wrong word because of the finality of it, but really I am ending the YWAM part of my life... or the DTS part of my life. I don't know if I'll join with YWAM again, but really once a YWAMer always a YWAMer whether I'm active or not. So... yes.... closure... the end... BUT a new beginning as well.... so..... here we go.... I am going to give you my promised "update" from a couple days at the end that I didn't really follow up with... sorta seems silly at this point, but owell... maybe it will help me continue to the "closure"... haha.

Okay... So, that last week... on tues and wed. morning my outreach team ate breakfast together... the same kind we'd have when we were in Czech, dark breads, fruit, veggies, and yummy coffee... it was fun to come together again after our aussie outreach and have fun together. Wednesday afternoon/evening my small group met one last time and made chocolate cookies together. We ate cookie dough and laughed and just had a good time with each other... then at dinner we ate together in the community room and ate the freshly baked cookies... we talked and reminisced of our fun times over the last months. One thing is for sure, our small group really knew how to have fun and laugh with each other!

Mary-Kate and I.... Jules and Kayti... mmm... coooookie dough....


This is a picture taken from Mt. Cootha, a look-out over Brisbane. We came here as a school on thursday night as one last "hurrah"... or just one last outing and fun time as a school... just the school, no parents or staff/students who weren't involved in MAD. It was fun, except we had to go in two different groups, and we weren't altogether for the whole time. Following the time at the look-out we had a "dance party" and then a slide-show and some songs that some of the musicians had planned to perform during graduation. Although, there were too many apparently and it had to be cut out, so they played them for us on this night instead.

Up at Mt. Cootha.. (upper) me and Hannah-Claire... (lower) me and Laura!



Me with some wonderful "staff"/friends(upper).... (lower) laura, senja (j=y), Pauliina and Heikki

hmmm... what else... i think that's kind of it... oh, maybe briefly share about AFTER graduation. Well, the big thing was to go out to a "chill-club/bar" and have drinks and dance, if that was your thing. The info we got on this club was that it wasn't your typical dance-club techno packed type place. The thing we forgot about was that it was ANZAC day, which is like our memorial day. Everyone was out that night and partying because, well.. it was a holiday. Needless to say, it wasn't the "cool chilled out" place we thought. I actually went to this coffee shop called "The 3 Monkeys" before going to the club, which was nice to relax. Although, when we decided to meet up with the others at the bar, they were done with the club because it wasn't what they were expecting. The groups were going in different directions, one to the coffee place again and another to a place called "the valley." I decided to go to the valley, in which there were bars with dancing, etc. It was an adventure that normally isn't my "ideal scene" but fun none-the-less to do something out of the ordinary. I mean, come on, it was my last couple nights in the great land of Australia, I had to live it up! And, I did... ordered a white russian and was appalled by the price tag! Shouldn't have been a shocker though, when the cheapest beer in the city was $6/7! What ya gonna do? owell... I've got a story tell! :)
We found the cheapest deal in Brisbane though, a 1/4 slice of pizza for only 3bucks!! Now that, was shocking... i s'pose it's good business, keeping the drunks fed! haha... and the poor ywam missionaries! hahaha

I'm home... can't quite believe it.

This is Brisbane at Night... atop Mt. Cootha..



A long sigh of relaxation just came out of my mouth.

It is good to be home. (arrived sun. night, april 27)

Yet, it is hard to not be in Australia, with the people who I was surrounded by for 7 months.

The grass is always greener... You don't know what you've got until you loose it...

Those are things that have been running through my mind for the last week. I got home on Sunday night with a flood of emotion, even as I was walking to the elevator to get down to baggage claim. I saw Caribou Coffee and almost lost it... after travelling for over 24hours and having not been home for 7mos, your emotions are quite volatile. And, it's amazing how a laptop bag can gain in poundage after carrying it around in three airports. Needless to say, I was a bit exhausted.

The following days were filled with lots of sister, nieces and nephew time, as well as MUCH sleep. I developed a cold that hit me Wed. morning and couldn't be bothered by getting out of my bed much of the day. I called my mom at work to bring me some throat drops of some kind, and started nursing myself back to health with those, some fruits and veggies and lots of water and this new V8 Fusion stuff. Well, new to me atleast, it may be 6mos. old for all I know!

I haven't updated in awhile, I should back track and fill you in on the last weeks of my time in Aussie-land. I think I mentioned my parents came, and them driving on the left side of the road drove me a bit crazy. :)

It's almost hard to recall those last two weeks. We didn't do a whole lot, and actually, I wrote about Byron Bay that Saturday, and there really was only a week left after that, so I don't have much to update. It was a lot of time just spent at the base with my friends, spending time doing things together... all those "one last time" things.

We had lectures two more times with a man named Dave Way, and then had a few other morning lectures with the base director's wife, Jenni. Every morning we had a "chapel" time... worshipping and praying. To some, it would seem overkill because it was every day, but I think it was different and unique each time (and really we only did it 3 times as a school, monday and fridays were a bit different). The prayer times were most important, really seeking the Lord for peace and readiness as we headed back into life after DTS.
Friday was the big Graduation Day! Woo hoo... nothing was on the schedule except Worship and Intercession in the morning with the whole base. I found out the day before that a friend, Krista, and I had the same flight out of Brisbane to New Zealand and then NZ to LA. What an amazing blessing from God, especially for her as she is younger and her dad was just praying for good people to be sitting next to her on the flights. So, we went down to the phone after Intercession and confirmed our flights and had them cross-reference our information so we could get seats together.
My next plan of action was to get a pedicure done because my feet have been much neglected over the last 7 months, but because it happened to be ANZAC Day, everything was closed. If you don't know what it is (and I wouldn't expect you to), it's like Memorial Day for us... look it up if you want more details :). The rest of the day I spent finishing the last things to pack in the suitcase my parents were bringing home. At about 2pm, my small group all went to Mary Kate's place to get ready for the Graduation. The graduations are like formals or prom in the states, so everyone gets all dolled up and puts on fancy dresses. Tammy did my hair and I painted my fingers and toes, did my make-up etc. I was ready to put on the dress my parents brought from home, but was thoroughly disappointed to realize it didn't fit quite right anymore. The better thing would have been to try it on right away when they brought it, but I wasn't that smart. It didn't dawn on me that maybe after not wearing it for about 5years, it may be too small. The girls at the house tried to give me some options, but I just didn't feel comfortable with any of the suggestions, so I left and quickly made my way back to the base.
Upon getting back, I was pretty broken up inside, not knowing what to do and not wanting it to be a big deal. I searched through my clothes and threw on a skirt and tank top, knowing it wasn't that great compared to what everyone else had on. A couple of friends noticed and Hannah-Claire came through for me... without me even asking. What a life-saver, she had this white dress that looked great, and another sweet girl had a necklace that looked perfect. THANK THE LORD! Problem overted, and just in time!

Me and Ing (my 1:1) and the dress! :)

The graduation was really surreal, it really didn't hit me that we were done, until I got home, I think, actually! It was a good time of eating and chatting and getting our certificates, etc. I won't go into detail because it isn't that exciting for those who weren't there.

I will post more later.... there are some more stories of after graduation party and I also remembered the night before graduation, there's a little bit to tell about our last night as just our school together.
It's just WAY late in the night... I meant to have this done an hour earlier, but my ipod was and still is acting up. Anyone have suggestions of what to do if your iPod doesn't respond to anything and is stuck on the "Do not disconnect" screen?? None of apple's suggestions work for my situation... grrrrrrrrrrr.

I've been reflecting and processing a lot today. Before the end of the week, our school leaders will be meeting with each of us students to process some and discuss what we'll be doing next etc. I met with Leah (obviously, one of the school leaders) today and had a chance to think back a bit about the things I've learned and why God brought me here on this journey. At first, it was a bit hard to know where to begin, but then I just started babbling and often times I didn't even know if I answered her specific questions, but it was just so great to process some things.

It's really interesting to see how God puts different people in your life at different moments, but for really specific things. I actually didn't have a whole lot of time during this DTS to really get to know Leah, but I told her today that she just had this presence that brought peace to me... or a sense of stability of some kind. For some reason, she also reminded me of my sister... but I can't exactly say how... it was just that comfortable feeling like you're in the presence of someone you can trust.

One thing that I really gleaned from lectures tonight is that it is wise to be discerning of who and when to tell things to.... that verse about not casting your pearls to swine was mentioned. I tend to want to share everything with everyone, but then in the midst of all that I realize that not everything is meant to be shared with just anyone.

The last thing I want to share with you is the verse that I have on my header bar... Psalm 37:4.... the first line I got was actually verse 3 which says "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." and then the verses later go on to say things about how when you commit yourself to the Lord and trust in Him, he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn... etc.
I just thought it would be interesting to read the rest of the verse to see how it might apply to me coming back home. It was interesting that the beginning of the verse that I didn't originally write spoke about dwelling in the land and enjoying safe pasture. That really did happen here, there is a certain safety here away from the reality of home and real life responsibility and issues. I wouldn't want it forever, but it is a time of intensity where you need the shelter. I've realized today that there are things that I haven't had to deal with at home, that I'm not really looking at with enthusiasm. I don't want to get into the details, but I just know that this whole passage of Psalm 37 really applies well to the things I have encountered, and the things I am about to go into coming back.

Oh, Minneapolis... here I soon come....

Where to begin... or end for that matter.

I have just one more week of this Aussie-land/YWAM adventure that God has taken me on. The feelings are very mixed at the moment as I'm sure you could imagine. I miss many things about home, the conveniences, my own room and queen bed, less expensive food, food whenever I want it instead of scheduled meal times, Chipotle, Guacamole and Tostitos, Pita Chips and Hummus, Campbell's Thick and Chunky Soups, Oreos that don't cost an arm and a leg, Cookie Nook Cookies ;), a shower that a few ppl use instead of 20 girls, ranch dressing, not paying extra for more sauce at restaurants, Caribou Caramel Coolers, Dunn Bros., Sebastian Joes, and so much more. AND of course, I miss all of my lovely friends and family.

My parents came into town last tuesday and will be here until I leave. It has been good to see them and travel a little bit the last few days. I have to admit though, it's strange to have them here in my life as I've known it for six months, a life that they have never experienced with me. It's really surreal because I flip back and forth between thinking so much of home while I'm with them, and then coming back to base remembering that I'm still here and want to spend as much time as I can with these friends I may never see again. Mom and Dad are really good about it, and they are actually on their way to Sydney as we speak... in a rental car, driving on the "wrong" side of the road.
We went to Byron Bay yesterday in the rental car, and boy was that an experience! Dad did really well, but I guess the roads here are a bit more narrow than at home AND the car needed an alignment job. Mom kept having to tell him he was too far to the left.
The time in Byron was nice, except it was rainy all day and we had to alter our plans a little bit to accommodate for the weather. In hindsight, it probably would have been better to stay overnight there, but there was one last performance of the musicians back at the base in the evening that I wanted to see.
No use worrying about it now.. while in Byron, we decided to first eat lunch and following that we shopped a bit, and grabbed some ice cream. Eventually the rain stopped enough for me to show them where I was baptized. We then went up to the lighthouse and looked around for a short bit until we could see a huge wall of rain coming toward us.

I will be writing more later... atleast that is the plan. But, it's very possible that it doesn't happen, unless I have any sleepless nights. We shall see...

Without further Adieu

Hello my faithful blog readers. I apologize for the long delay in updates, the last couple weeks and a half have been filled with many things, not to mention the internet in Hervey Bay was WAY expensive. I couldn't be bothered by writing much while I was there, it took enough time just catching up with emails the two times I checked (over a two week period).

We got back this past sunday, but I haven't updated because it seems like a daunting task... until today... when I looked at my fellow DTSers blog, Laura, who wrote up a WONDERFUL overview of what we did the last two weeks. So, if you happen to read this before I tell you, thanks Laura... you are a great writer and I also couldn't be bothered by writing all that you did so well!

Here's what she wrote... and then maybe I'll elaborate on some things in further posts!

Okay, so for some reason, Safari won't cut and paste text in this box for some dumb reason. Here is a link to the blog instead:

www.beyondmystudio.blogspot.com

Cheers!